What if you and your boyfriend / girlfriend do a test and it say you guys are not compatible ??
Start this book totally out of accident as my online delivery form the books-delivery not arrive yet. I just grab whatever seems interesting on POPULAR (yes they have popular in Singapore too) at Nex.
The theme of the book is based on attachment theory, by John Bowlby and with some new idea by the two author which try to use science to assist peoples to find their lover and have a better understanding of the dynamics of the relationship also how to move forward in the relationship.
Basically there are 3 types of attachment pattern according to the theory
- 1. Secure
- 2. Anxious
- 3. Avoidant
- The pattern is grounded on us since how our parents treat us and our childhood experience. 1/4 of people can change around 4 years to become other pattern.
If u want to know which pattern u are at, simply go at this link: http://www.attachedthebook.com/comp…
The need of us to be close to our partner can be equal to life / death. Again imagine in caveman time, if you left alone by your partner u will probably eat by some lion and unknown monster. That’s why our brain are still wire us to get attached to seek support and ensure our partner physical / mental closeness.
Once the emotional needed are met, our attention will shift outward. Easy example is the old saying of every successful man got a great woman behind, can be said as the emotional needed of the man is met, he then shift his attention to his path and continue his journey.
Dependency Paradox: The more dependent the people he is in life, the more independent love he would be.
Nowadays even myself trying to achieve for co-dependency relationship, 2-self-sufficient person, and draw happiness from within. However in this book the author say “NOPE” as biologically, when 2 people together, they affect each other breathe / heart rate / Hormone, in a result affect each other psychologically/emotionally.
According to Barwy, when you choose some really special, powerful force kick in, it’s uncontrollable despite our conscious will.
They have an experiment to show that when your love one is present, you are more like to be happy and explore the world. However when your love one is absent you tend to be in bad emotion, crying and show dis-interest to the world.
The middle of the book introduce some dating advice including how to identify your partner, how to tell if your partner is interested or not, why he/she give you mixed signal etc. One advice I personnel like is to build abundance; Go out and meet all those unique / wonderful people, show people who you are, and pro-actively finding the right one.
According to survey there are 50% of people are secure, remaining are either avoidant (don’t want too intimacy), anxious (trust issue with their partner). Many often avoidant will end up with anxious which they don’t hit up too well. However the mixed signal avoidant pic sent (interested but keep walking away) will activate the attachment system of anxious pic.
Break up advice from the book
- Illustrate power of attachment process
- Emotionally healthy is endangered in destructive situation
- Trust yourself and find a better life
Why when someone treat you like shit but you will still stick around? As our attachment system will discourage us to get alone. It tricks our RAS system focus on all good memories/moment and blind spot all the bad things done by him/her. The pain you suffer from a break-up is the same you suffer from breaking your leg according to brain scan.
Way of effective communication in a relationship
The main principle is straight forward and put it out there
2 goal you want to achieve –
- Choose the right partner that you know he/she can meet your need.
- Make sure they know what’s up.
It’s interesting to see this book related a lot to the last book” Emotion Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman.
Some main elements are important for effective communication include:
– Emotionally Brave – it might sounds weird / awkward to say your need out loud but just its will lead you to a brighter future
– Focus on your need, don’t spill the conflict to other area
– Be specific, tell exactly when he/she do make you feel upset
– Don’t blame, don’t go personnel
– Be assertive / non apologetic
In conclusion, I don’t really buy in the idea of we can classified every human being in 3types. As we might sometimes be anxious, sometimes be secure as emotion is changing every second. Also we could be 50% secure, 50% avoidant if we are not too comfortable to somebody. However I still think it’s a good book in view of how to interpret why your partner call you 20mins and send you 30 text, the solution might be just a simple hello, tell them what you are doing and will call back soon. Also the positive attitude of the book to encourage you to go out find your love one, work on your current relationship and make a decision on how to make the relationship going forward in order to achieve a better life.
More form the author : Amir Levine