Did you run away from any heated or difficult conversation Before ??
Not a big fans of conversation book as don’t want my conversation went to “systemic “ or “robotic” like a flow chart. However see my self-improvement group instructor not only read the book but also attend the workshop so i decide to give it a try.
To start with, what is a crucial conversations ? When
1. Opinions vary
2. Stakes are high
3. Strong emotions.
Normally what people do when face this ? they avoid tough conversations by avoid it / Face it and handle it poorly / face it and handle it well !
Why is it hard for us to handle tough conversation ? As our body normally go thru auto response (fight or flight ) or it just happen too soon we are not even ready. Silent is always a failure as people don’t speak up.
How about in a relationship ?? normally couples argue by
1. Threat – Name calling
2. Silent treatment
3. Speak openly, freely, honestly and effectively.
We should always aim to master the conversation skill and avoid fools choice, which people tend to think u can EITHER speak the truth or keep a friend. Instead of this dualistic mindset – think about – How can i be 100% honest with 100% respect ?
By open the dialogue, we can measure how free flow or the meaning which lead to success and also how to encourage others to speak freely. Thus we establish a pool of shared meaning.
Before we start the conversation, start focus of what you want. “ Work on me first, us second”. it doesn’t imply we should be selfish and only care ourselves, but “me” is the only thing i can work on with control. We should avoid the attempt to Winning / Punish (hurt others) / simply keep peace. think : What do i really want here ????
When being in a crucial moment, always take perspective and ask “what am i doing”, the good part of this approach is that constantly remind us what is the goal and juice up our brain.
We should also look for “condition” in the conversation, when people feel unsafe , they tend to be
Silence (masking / avoiding/withdrawing) vs Violence ( controlling / labeling / attacking)
How to safe talk anything ? By stepping out (apologize / contrast – explain what you don’t mean / mutual -ask why and step out from content) and then step back in.
How to share my stories ? In touch with feeling, analyze my story and what create emotion > look for the fact. Always look for clever story instead of victim / villain / helpless story. Again , key question to our self: what do i want ?
When we need to speak “unspeakable” with respect, we combine Confidence (say what need to be said ) + humanity (accept others word) + skill (condor and safety )
STATE / Share your fact – Tell your story – Ask for other path – Talk tentatively – Engage testing .
When we w
ant to ask other to share view – AMPP – Ask (ask sincerely) + Mirror ( describe what they act / sound) + Paraphrase ( put message in my own word) + Prime (pour some meaning in to make engine running ) . Please note understanding is NOT EQUAL to agreement.
Why we fail to move idea ? as when taking action, we sometimes have
1. unclear expectation
2. Poor acting on decision.
We can improve that by decide how to decide, and aware dialogue is not decision making. 4 easy method to make decision is
4. Consensus ( talk to everyone until ALL agree).
After word, take action with specific detail, and make sure to make it safe and ask our self again – where are we ??
I personnel like the first part of the book to describe how we could possibly add on to make our conversation skill sharper, however i am not a big fans for flow chart and tables to treat human interaction as some robotic communication. Overall i still think the point “ always ask what i want” and look for “Safety” is the greatest lesson i got from this book.
Until next time !