Are you too scared to say “NO ” ?
Although i think i am a people-assbuster more than a people pleaser but still a good book to read about how sometime we care too much.
There are 3 major group of people pleaser: 1. people pleaser mindset / 2. People pleaser habit / 3. Please pleaser feeling
There are many test in the book that you can do to determine which group u fall into, you might be fall into GP 1 + GP 2 or mainly one of the group.
Problem of people pleasing is the approval addition, which paralyze action. As if you take action A might offend this people, action B will offend that people and you will be always looking around not sure what to do.
The deep root of people too care about niceness is a deep fear of negative emotion. Nice is not equal to real, you just hide away from doubt, insecurities and fears.
When there is time that we say to our self “I should “make it become “i prefer “that already make a huge different.
“Nice” is a full-blown belief system and dictate how to act to avoid “bad things”. “Nice” is also fat, 2 dimensional and no character as you just say YES to others opinion / through / interest.
No matter how “nice” you are, there are still some people dislike you for their own irrational /hateful reason. Imagine a man is upset about her female boss becos she is a female?? is the boss got any mistake ?
Over-Giving is also a sympon that is so manipulating and rejecting, as you reject others to give you in return and lost trust to others and you might have a hidden agenda.
When we treat disapproval as disaster, approval as an reward it put us in a really bad position. WE should treasure approval but no need to be addicted on it. Addictive pattern happen when we have little choice / less control. By having “reward “of approval from random action / reaction of people make us addicted like gambling.
Learn to earn your own approval. People pleaser behavior in a wrong situation can be very bad . It encourage and reward your partner aggressive behavior if you just take it. More fear of negative emotion is a self-filling prophecies, you actually take more action or give up signal unconscious to attract more negative emotions.
There are 2 way we learn this behavior by either positive reinforcement (conditioning extinguish when “reward” disappear) or by negative re-reinforcement (last long even “punish “gone.
What is a good way to “blow off steam” > exhibit of anger focus on content of the message but not purely attack for attack. However don’t fall into trap of “total honesty “which cannot disguise anger, Honesty + kindness is the best policy. There are 3 stages of conflict : 1. Conflict our Behavior ( husband didn’t clean the dishes) > conflict about values, principles , rules or belief ( husband don’t want to input his energy on the house work and he believe all housework should be done by the wife ) > Conflict over personality ( husband is a lazy piece of shit). You can see the escalation there which is completely irrational.
In general if you are kind of person think that you are too “nice” which part of you know that is not you want or you trying very hard to maintain a “front” which want to keep everyone happy but the end result still what you expected is a good book to read.