Emotional First Aid : Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts by Guy Winch

How to take care yourself

1. Dealing with Rejection

Why we hurt ? Its emotional pain. In evolutionary point, rejection by social group is equal to cannot survive.

Our reasoning / logic / common sense are usually ineffective when it comes to mitigating the pain we feel. Rejection also elicit anger and aggression impulses.

It damaged our self esteem. Mere act of recalling a previous reject is sufficient to cause drop of self esteem. We often “kick our-self” when we already down.  The unnecessary personalizing rejection and our overgeneralize it hurt us even more

Rejection threaten our need to belong – we are wired with fundamental need to feel accepted by others.

Treatment A : Argue with self-criticism

Treatment B : Review your self-worth : Make a list of 5 characteristic, attribution, traits your value highly that your love, Then rank 2, finally choose 2 and write an essay.

Treatment C : Replenish feeling of social connection, social support can mitigate stress during rejection. Social snack can be a pictures of love one.

Treatment D : Desensitize yourself. The more we exposed to the same situation we find uncomfortable, the more used to we become.

2. Loneliness

Not the quantity of our relationship but subjectively quality.  Loneliness make us critical on our-self and behave in a self defeating way.


Dealing with rejection

Why we hurt ? Its a huge emotional pain. In evolutionary past, rejection by social group is same as unable to survive.

Our reasoning / logic / common sense are usually ineffective when it come to mitigating the pain we feel.  We feel anger and aggression as its a trigger too.

We feel damaged self-esteem by the mere act of recalling a previous rejection is sufficient to cause drop of self esteem. We often kick ourselves when we already down. Those unnecessary personalizing rejection and over generalization threaten our need to belong.

We are wired with fundamental need to feel accepted by others.

What we we do about rejection ?

Treatment A : Argue with self criticism

Treatment B : Review your self worth : Make a list of 5 characteristic, attribution, traits you value highly that you have, then rank it, finally choose 2 and write an essay.

Treatment C : Replenish feeling of social connection. Social support mitigate stress during rejection

Treatment D : Desensitize yourself – The more we exposed to situation we fold uncomfortable, the most used to we become.

How to deal with Loneliness ?

Our happiness not determined by the quantity of relationship but subjective quality. Loneliness make us critical on our-self and behave in self defeating way.

We have painful misconception, it create an inaccurate perception of our-self and others.

We also have self defeating prophecies, why trying harder as it lead to failure anyway.

Loneliness drive us into cycle of self protection and avoidance, we expect our social interaction to be negative, we made fewer effort to seek them out and less response to them.

It also create atrophied relationship muscle, we always unaware how weak our relationship have become. Its not easy to understand a person’s need and feeling from their perspective

Treatment to loneliness

Treatment A : Remove your negativity tinted glasses

Treatment B : Identify your self-defeating behavior : we always blinded and defeated by those behavior

Treatment C: Take other people perspective

Treatment D : Deepen your emotional bond : Empathy workout- imagine yourself in their situation

  1. Visualize yourself in their situation
  2. Get the context – understand her frame of mind – What are her previous experience with similar situation ? / What fear or doubt or hope she has? / what else is happening? / what is her day up to this point? / how other relationship impact her response ?
  3. Convey your insight thoughtfully – be as descriptive as possible

Treatment E : Create opportunities for social connection

Treatment F : Adapt a best friend

How to deal with Loss and taruna

We could be interrupted in different ways in life :

  1. Life interrupted – its paralyzing
  2. Identity interrupted – loss and trauma forced a new identity upon us
  3. Belief interrupted – our struggle to make sense of the world
  4. Relationship Interrupted

Treatment A : Smooth your emotional pain in your way – the mere act of re-call an event change our actual memory of it in minor way, best thing to do to think what you want it to be.

Treatment B : Recover last aspect of your “self “

Treatment C : Find meaning in tragedy : Ask why as opposed to how trigger a qualitatively different and more productive through process. Identify the benefit in loss is a good way.

How to deal with Guilt ?

People estimated experience roughly 2hours of mild guilt per day. When emotional distress about violating our personal standard linage, it usually have feeling of regret.

We might feel self condemnation, we might consume totally by guilt and cant even function.We also try to punish our-self for our wrong doing

Relationship might be blocked as unresolved guilt impact our behavior around other person. Cycle of hurt , guilt, avoidance. Reason we seek to induce guilt to others is to influence their decision and behavior.

Treatment A : Learn the receipt for an effective apology, validate their feeling and offer atonement, acknowledge our violated expectation.

Treatment B: Forgive yourself – self forgiveness is a process, not a decision. An effort to come to peace with our wrong doing.

Treatment C : Re-engage in life

How to deal with Rumination ?

When we experience cycle of replay of the same distress on scene , memory or feeling. We often supersizing our misery , by asking, talking our sad feeling make it last longer sometimes

Anger might also inflated, it make us over act to mildest provocations

We might also experience cognitive leakage, it consume huge amount our mental energy, it impair our attention and concentration,our problem solving abilities and our motivation, initiative.

Strained relationship might rise resentment for people among you.

Treatment A : Change your perspective – by analyzing a painful experience from a self distance perspective

Treatment B : Look at the birdie – distract yourself. Any effort to suppress unwanted through are likely to cause re bounce effect. Distracting can disrupt a ruminative through process.

Treatment C : Re frame the anger, by venting our anger by assaulting object only serve to reinforce aggressive urges , we can do that by

  1.  Find positive intention
  2. Identify the opportunities
  3. Embrace learning moment
  4. View the affecting person need spiritual help.

Treatment D : go easy on you friend

How we deal with failure ?

Our self esteem shrink when our goal seems bigger and we feel smaller. Many of us draw damaging conclusion about our character and abilities. We also become passively and helpfulness, failure sap our motivation, confidence and hope.

Failure make us feel hopeless and trapped, it also seduce us to give up. By easing our effort only create a self fulfilling prophecy.

Failure increase also performing pressure- what can we expect when we expecting to fail ? Test anxiety is problematic as it cause massive disruptions to our concentration, focus and ability to think clearly. The fear of failure make many of us engaging of all manner of self handicapping behavior in which we create impediment to success without being aware. 

Choking happen when the stress we feel in high pressure situation make us over think take and draw attention away from part of our brain which execute the task automatically.  The more we over analyze our action and interfere with smooth execution of a task we performed hundred of times.

Much of the anxiety associated with failure can build upon itself, its best to be prudent and apply psychological first aid asap.

Treatment A : Get support and get real. Most effective way yo treat psychological wound is to find positive lesson

  1. Failure is a great teacher
  2. Failure provide new opportunities
  3. Failure can make us strong
  4. Some failure are also success
  5. Failure make future failure more meaningful
  6. Success it not always necessary

Treatment B : Focus on factor in your control

  1. Define your goal in as realistic an specific terms as possible
  2. Break down your goal into intermediate steps
  3. Set time to overall / intermediate goal
  4. List any potential detour or setback, obstacles that might arise
  5. List solutions for above.

Treatment C : Take responsibility and own the fear

If we don’t own our ear and if we don’t talk about them, our mind will find other way to express them. Seeing humor in failure was found to be an extremely effective way to get over the pain.

Treatment D : Distract yourself for performance pressure, distraction – fight fire with fire

  1. Whistle when you choke
  2. Mumbling to yourself, restore normal breathing – Best way to keep our focus on steps required reasoning through them aloud. By vocalizing the question and reasoning aloud
  3. Neutralize the stereotype – affirming the self worth.

Low self esteem

Most of us feel inadequate as individual on one hand, yet believe we are better than “Average”.

Our esteem should lie in range of “Strong” and “Stable”. When our ego under siege, grater psychological vulnerability is found. We respond to anxiety / stress less effectively when self esteem is low. Stress an substantially weaken our willpower and self control.

We resist positive feedback and emotional nourishment. Message than fall within the boundaries of established belief are consumed, those difficult and too different from our belief are rejected.

Low esteem make us feel dis-empowerment.

Treatment A: Adopt self compassion and silence our inner critical voices. Practice self compassion can strengthen our emotional immune system.

Treatment B : Identify your strength and affirm them using self affirmation that identity and affirm valuable and important aspect of our self we already know to be true.

Treatment C : Increase tolerance for compliment

Treatment D : Increase personal empowerment. Personal empowerment is something people has, not feel. Acting assertively in one area tend to empower us in other area. Process of practicing assertive action in lower stake situation can help. Practice, patience and persistence are key ingredient in development personal development.

Treatment E: Improve your self control. Practicing any task that require us to regularly inhibit an automatic impulse. Best way to manage temptation is to avoid them when possible.

Until next time !

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